I have just printed and signed my letter of resignation, which will be delivered later today on the nursery run. I am quitting the day job, after being with the company for five years.
Liberation and fear are in equal amounts at the moment. I can feel them there, in the pit of my stomach. Am I doing the right thing? I think so. I know it’s the right thing for me, and I hope in turn that makes it the right thing for my family. I go on and on about the importance of self care, and this is the biggest leap I have made in its name.
Before having kids, I always thought I would be one of those stay at home mums who devoted every second of every day to their offspring. I could imagine it clearly, and it excited me. Shortly after having my first, I felt an overwhelming need to return to work. I couldn’t cope; I needed space to myself. Nothing had gone as planned – I didn’t get the expected burst of love, I failed at breastfeeding, and I just felt generally crap. This, and other more terrifying symptoms, later led to a diagnosis of Postpartum OCD, but at the time I didn’t understand what it was. I just knew I needed to get away.
This time round, I knew from day one that things were going to be different. As the months passed, I also knew that I didn’t want to return to work.
My partner and I discussed it at great lengths. Was it feasible? Could we afford it? We decided that I would take the full year of maternity leave, including the final three unpaid months. If we managed to get through those last three months, then I would hand in my notice.
Those three months have come and gone, and we are still here. It’s been difficult that’s for sure, but we have managed. I am writing again and bringing in a bit of money, and all of our essentials are covered. We both just need to get better at saving and budgeting!
My manager has already been notified, she is just waiting for this letter to make it official. I’ve been putting it off and putting it off, but I’m pretty sure that’s just due to the what ifs that have been hounding me.
Tonight I shall raise a glass of Bailey’s (my favourite, if anyone is wondering), and welcome in the new chapter!